"Hello. This is Bennett and you've reached my voicemail because I'm not in at the present moment. So leave me your name and a brief message and I'll...get back to you as soon as I am able. Thank you."
I was wondering what your, uh, thoughts on... us are. [You can almost hear the facial expressions he's making: cringing, screwing his eyes shut, mouthing stupid. He pinches the bridge of his nose and soldiers on:] In terms of... exclusivity. Because.
[Because does not a full sentence make. That's what Toby would say, right now. And then he'd slap Josh in the head.]
— because we never put a label on this thing we have and I really like this thing we have but other things have recently gotten a little complicated and I know we're seeing each other but you used the term friends not too long ago so I'm just — I'm wondering what... your impression of this is. Of us. And where you want this to go.
That cute little smile fades to something else. Uncertainty? All the color has seemed to fade from her face.
She doesn't want to have this conversation. Not right now. He blind sided her with this. She doesn't know what to say. She keeps trying to but words just won't come out.]
I'm...not seeing anyone else. I'm not. If that's what you're asking.
[Because who would want to.
She's also very loyal. Fiercely so.]
I said friends, said friends because I...I-I didn't know what else to say.
I didn't want to, I didn't, I didn't want to presume. I didn't want to, I didn't think that you'd...
[She bites her lip. She looks away. Fingernails start getting chewed on. This is not her normal, slightly adorable nervousness. This is laced with something a bit darker. All her little cracks might just be starting to show.]
tfw you realize you accidentally made this 100x worse
[He sees it. Whatever it is, he sees it. It's not something he's seen before, not in Bennett, and it makes him even uneasier than he was a second ago.]
I can't —
[Josh thinks of Mandy and of how pissed off she was when they broke up, and how it didn't help at all when Josh tried to turn it into a whole thing about how it's not you, it's me, and how she threw a plate at his head.
In that case, it was actually both of them.
In this case, it's him. His expression turns horribly guilty.
What the fuck was he thinking, making this a video call and then almost immediately forgetting he did because he wished so super hard that he hadn't?
Shit.]
What I was asking was more like... what you want. Not just from this, but from relationships — uh, romantic relationships — in general. Like, long-term, short-term, going steady...
[She doesn't have to answer, though. He already knows.
He also knows she's going to answer, anyway, and it'll probably hurt.]
[She's never had to think about this before. She never thought she'd ever get this far with anyone. Never thought anyone would like her enough to stick around this long.
(Though she likes to think that Topher would have. He had seen her at her worst. He'd been the one to stop her at her worst. In a few short hours, he had just. Known her. And still wanted her.)
The look on Josh's face just makes her worry more. Why would he look like that. What did he do? She doesn't like that look on his face. Bennett just wants him to smile because she loves that stupid smile.]
I don't...I've never really been...I don't know. Because relationships are, relationships are...
I watch. I don't have them. Not meant for me, the price I--
[She doesn't want to talk about this. This is too much honesty that she's being forced into because she can't just lie to Josh.]
I don't really think that I'm...I'm not really suited for, I'm not suited for short-term things. I don't like to...let go.
[It's an okay of acknowledgement, an okay that says I can work with this. Because she's talking.
She hasn't hung up on him, she isn't yelling. She's talking. She's being honest, and her answer doesn't hurt so much.
— or doesn't hurt much, until he realizes the slight pang he just felt was pity. Then he just feels like an asshole. That's what hurts, the realization that she fell in with a guy like him, when she really didn't deserve it.]
I was talking to a friend about this. He was thinking of getting married, and... I mean, this isn't —
[There's a pause as Josh licks his lips and glances away, just for a second.]
I get that. I get not liking to let go. I'm the same way. But I also can't... wrap my head around the idea of eternity. [And then he adds, quickly:] Not that I think that's what you're looking for. I just wanna make sure I can give you what you're after and if it's — if it's long-term, historically, I've never really been able to...
[Just spit it out.]
Bennett, I can't commit to you right now. That's what this is. I like seeing you, and I like it when we go out, and I like... so much about you, there's so much about you that's... good. But I like someone else, too. [Someones else. Josh refuses to admit that much.] And I don't know what I want, 'cause I keep getting caught up in the idea of forever. I know how I feel, though. And if that's not enough for you, I'd also get that.
Because he's finally grown tired of her peculiarities?
There's someone else.
Because she wasn't attentive enough?
There's someone else.
Because she isn't good enough. She'll never be good enough. That's how the story goes. Always plays out. They're all out there. Living, laughing, loving. And Bennett?
She's alone.]
I-I, I-I don't know. I don't know what I want.
[Her voice is barely above a whisper and she can't quite look at the camera. She's angry. It doesn't show yet but it's bubbling up inside her chest.
Because how could she have been this stupid. This is how the story goes.
Did she think it'd be different because he's an angel?
Why hadn't see seen this coming sooner? She really should have.
Because she's stupid when her emotions get tangled in things.]
Wh-Why would-- Like a lie? No, no. Human, human evolutionary patterns would suggest that--
[She rubs her temple. She's trying to fall back on her science. If she can justify his actions with science, maybe she can let this be okay. Maybe she can hold on and she can keep having those brief moments of being happy with him but it's...she can't. Science is failing her.
There's someone else.
She wants to be with him, she wants to be with him so badly because now she's had a taste. Given enough to dream with. Imagined what could be, if she deserved it.
But she doesn't deserve it.
Because he's an angel. She's a demon. This is Hell. Really. This is Hell.]
I...I don't know what to, I don't know what to...what to say. What can I, can I say? I thought that...I don't know.
[Josh feels like she's missing about half of what he said.
He also feels a little sick.]
I'm not saying I don't want this. [A gesture between them, their screens, even though she's not looking.] I've done casual before. But if that's not something you can do, I need to know.
[Not that "casual" has ever worked for him. Not that any part of him thinks, at all, that it's something Bennett specifically could do even if she wanted to.
...and not that he means casual like casual. His mind's pretty firmly made up, at the moment. It's just a question of whether he'll be dividing his time between three or two, and —
When that thought crystallizes, Josh goes sheet-white.
[She is only hearing parts of this conversation. The words he's trying to use to lessen the blow are going in one ear and right out the other. There's really no way to avoid the utter hurt and heartbreak that's clearly etched into her features now.
Do you still think she's beautiful, Josh?
How much does it hurt you to see her like this?
Did you ever actually care at all?
You were lying. Must have been lying.
The look in her eyes has started shifting. It moves from such shock to something a little darker. She swallows the lump in her throat and the anger just keeps compiling. This look, this is something close to hatred. This is the awful, sinister look that many of her patients end up seeing.
Only this is just a step further than that. The look in her eyes has grown cold and yet volitile, dangerous like a wildfire. This is not the girl he's used to. Are you afraid yet, Josh?
[Josh is left gaping at his screen when the connection's cut, like: What was that?
— who was that?
It takes him a solid minute to finally put his phone down, so he can bring his shaky hands up and try to rub some color back into his face.
She's just mad. He can't blame her. She's mad, and she'll — ]
She'll get over it.
[Spoken aloud, to himself.
The silence of the room does nothing to reassure him. If anything, it just makes the skeptical tone in his voice ring back in his ears that much more clearly.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
video | un: j.lyman
And he's come up with absolutely nothing other than the straight truth.
— well.
The not-completely-straight truth.
Which is a thought that almost strikes him as funny, except he's too nervous to find anything funny at the moment. Even that.]
Hi.
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Something about it just. There's a feeling in the pit of her stomach that there's something off.
Still, she smiles. It's Josh. She can't not smile when it's Josh.]
Hey you.
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Um.
[This is already going really well.
Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.]
I was wondering what your, uh, thoughts on... us are. [You can almost hear the facial expressions he's making: cringing, screwing his eyes shut, mouthing stupid. He pinches the bridge of his nose and soldiers on:] In terms of... exclusivity. Because.
[Because does not a full sentence make. That's what Toby would say, right now. And then he'd slap Josh in the head.]
— because we never put a label on this thing we have and I really like this thing we have but other things have recently gotten a little complicated and I know we're seeing each other but you used the term friends not too long ago so I'm just — I'm wondering what... your impression of this is. Of us. And where you want this to go.
[Did Josh... just try to out-Bennett Bennett?]
no subject
That cute little smile fades to something else. Uncertainty? All the color has seemed to fade from her face.
She doesn't want to have this conversation. Not right now. He blind sided her with this. She doesn't know what to say. She keeps trying to but words just won't come out.]
I'm...not seeing anyone else. I'm not. If that's what you're asking.
[Because who would want to.
She's also very loyal. Fiercely so.]
I said friends, said friends because I...I-I didn't know what else to say.
I didn't want to, I didn't, I didn't want to presume. I didn't want to, I didn't think that you'd...
[She bites her lip. She looks away. Fingernails start getting chewed on. This is not her normal, slightly adorable nervousness. This is laced with something a bit darker. All her little cracks might just be starting to show.]
tfw you realize you accidentally made this 100x worse
I can't —
[Josh thinks of Mandy and of how pissed off she was when they broke up, and how it didn't help at all when Josh tried to turn it into a whole thing about how it's not you, it's me, and how she threw a plate at his head.
In that case, it was actually both of them.
In this case, it's him. His expression turns horribly guilty.
What the fuck was he thinking, making this a video call and then almost immediately forgetting he did because he wished so super hard that he hadn't?
Shit.]
What I was asking was more like... what you want. Not just from this, but from relationships — uh, romantic relationships — in general. Like, long-term, short-term, going steady...
[She doesn't have to answer, though. He already knows.
He also knows she's going to answer, anyway, and it'll probably hurt.]
SO SO MUCH WORSE
(Though she likes to think that Topher would have. He had seen her at her worst. He'd been the one to stop her at her worst. In a few short hours, he had just. Known her. And still wanted her.)
The look on Josh's face just makes her worry more. Why would he look like that. What did he do? She doesn't like that look on his face. Bennett just wants him to smile because she loves that stupid smile.]
I don't...I've never really been...I don't know. Because relationships are, relationships are...
I watch. I don't have them. Not meant for me, the price I--
[She doesn't want to talk about this. This is too much honesty that she's being forced into because she can't just lie to Josh.]
I don't really think that I'm...I'm not really suited for, I'm not suited for short-term things. I don't like to...let go.
no subject
[It's an okay of acknowledgement, an okay that says I can work with this. Because she's talking.
She hasn't hung up on him, she isn't yelling. She's talking. She's being honest, and her answer doesn't hurt so much.
— or doesn't hurt much, until he realizes the slight pang he just felt was pity. Then he just feels like an asshole. That's what hurts, the realization that she fell in with a guy like him, when she really didn't deserve it.]
I was talking to a friend about this. He was thinking of getting married, and... I mean, this isn't —
[There's a pause as Josh licks his lips and glances away, just for a second.]
I get that. I get not liking to let go. I'm the same way. But I also can't... wrap my head around the idea of eternity. [And then he adds, quickly:] Not that I think that's what you're looking for. I just wanna make sure I can give you what you're after and if it's — if it's long-term, historically, I've never really been able to...
[Just spit it out.]
Bennett, I can't commit to you right now. That's what this is. I like seeing you, and I like it when we go out, and I like... so much about you, there's so much about you that's... good. But I like someone else, too. [Someones else. Josh refuses to admit that much.] And I don't know what I want, 'cause I keep getting caught up in the idea of forever. I know how I feel, though. And if that's not enough for you, I'd also get that.
no subject
Because she only has one arm, maybe?
There's someone else.
Because he's finally grown tired of her peculiarities?
There's someone else.
Because she wasn't attentive enough?
There's someone else.
Because she isn't good enough. She'll never be good enough. That's how the story goes. Always plays out. They're all out there. Living, laughing, loving. And Bennett?
She's alone.]
I-I, I-I don't know. I don't know what I want.
[Her voice is barely above a whisper and she can't quite look at the camera. She's angry. It doesn't show yet but it's bubbling up inside her chest.
Because how could she have been this stupid. This is how the story goes.
Did she think it'd be different because he's an angel?
Why hadn't see seen this coming sooner? She really should have.
Because she's stupid when her emotions get tangled in things.]
Wh-Why would-- Like a lie? No, no. Human, human evolutionary patterns would suggest that--
[She rubs her temple. She's trying to fall back on her science. If she can justify his actions with science, maybe she can let this be okay. Maybe she can hold on and she can keep having those brief moments of being happy with him but it's...she can't. Science is failing her.
There's someone else.
She wants to be with him, she wants to be with him so badly because now she's had a taste. Given enough to dream with. Imagined what could be, if she deserved it.
But she doesn't deserve it.
Because he's an angel. She's a demon. This is Hell. Really. This is Hell.]
I...I don't know what to, I don't know what to...what to say. What can I, can I say? I thought that...I don't know.
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He also feels a little sick.]
I'm not saying I don't want this. [A gesture between them, their screens, even though she's not looking.] I've done casual before. But if that's not something you can do, I need to know.
[Not that "casual" has ever worked for him. Not that any part of him thinks, at all, that it's something Bennett specifically could do even if she wanted to.
...and not that he means casual like casual. His mind's pretty firmly made up, at the moment. It's just a question of whether he'll be dividing his time between three or two, and —
When that thought crystallizes, Josh goes sheet-white.
Oh, boy.]
Bennett —
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Do you still think she's beautiful, Josh?
How much does it hurt you to see her like this?
Did you ever actually care at all?
You were lying. Must have been lying.
The look in her eyes has started shifting. It moves from such shock to something a little darker. She swallows the lump in her throat and the anger just keeps compiling. This look, this is something close to hatred. This is the awful, sinister look that many of her patients end up seeing.
Only this is just a step further than that. The look in her eyes has grown cold and yet volitile, dangerous like a wildfire. This is not the girl he's used to. Are you afraid yet, Josh?
Because you damn well should be.]
I can't.
[And then she cuts off the feed.]
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— who was that?
It takes him a solid minute to finally put his phone down, so he can bring his shaky hands up and try to rub some color back into his face.
She's just mad. He can't blame her. She's mad, and she'll — ]
She'll get over it.
[Spoken aloud, to himself.
The silence of the room does nothing to reassure him. If anything, it just makes the skeptical tone in his voice ring back in his ears that much more clearly.]
...yeah.
[Yeah, no.]